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fiction pour ADULTES - descriptions explicites / ADULT fiction, graphic descriptions - MA rating

samedi 11 janvier 2020

Gold Wings and Sparrowhawk - Chapter 11 (MA rated)


Chapter 11

September 1999
Dubrovnic, Croatia

Harm dropped off his pack in his hotel room, changed into civvies and went out to walk to his rendez-vous.
Nell did pretty much the same a few minutes later. When she arrived, Harm was sitting on the terrace of the café, reading a newspaper. She had a few seconds to watch him before he looked up and saw her. They both smiled. Harm got up and they shared a long hug.
« Nine years already ! »
« Time flies by ! »
Sitting down, they started talking while the waiter brought the menu. During the last nine years, they had only written letters and emails to each other, so they had a lot more to share, stories, anecdotes.
They had started eating when Harm looked intrigued by something that was happening behind Nell. She turned her head and like a movie in slow motion, saw the big black sedan, its window being opened and the muzzle appear in the opening. She heard Harm yell and dropped on the pavement under the table. Bullets began flying over her head, and she felt Harm close his arms around her. She had a fleeting thought that he would always be her knight in Dress Whites, even if he didn't have it on today.
The shooting lasted only a few seconds, but it felt like an eternity. Harm had been shot at before, and he knew what to do next.
He lifted his head above the table, saw the car drive away quickly. He turned around and looked at the bodies around him. Nell got out of hiding as well, opened her cell phone. A man was coming up to her, so she gave it to him.
« Call an ambulance and stay on the line. »
The man obviously understood what she was saying, and that was a relief.
Harm checked the pulse of a man sprawled a few feet away, and shook his head when Nell looked at him. He went to help a woman crying on her chair while Nell approached another man lying on the pavement. He had been shot through the abdomen and was losing a lot of blood. She took off her jacket and bent over him.
« Hi, my name is Nell. What is yours ? »
The man was still conscious. « Stan... »
« Hello Stan. Stay calm, I'm going to help you, okay ? »
She didn't know if he could understand her, but sometimes the right tone is enough to break the language barrier. She smiled and pressed her folded jacket on the wound. Stan had a hiccup.
« I know it hurts, but I have to slow the bleeding. » She turned to Harm, saw that he had put a makeshift bandage around the woman's arm.
« Harm ! I need your jacket ! »
He took it from his fallen chair.
« Help me. I'm going to pull him towards me, you put your vest under his back and I'm going to lie him down again on it. It should compress his wound from the back, so you fold it tight. One, two, three. »
Together they moved Stan who howled in pain.
« I'm sorry Stan. This is Harm, he's helping as well. »
She put her own jacket back on the injury on the belly.
« Harm, push down, please. »
Nell brought Stan's limbs forward and folded them over his chest, compressing the wound. She put her arm over his legs to keep them in place.
« You stay with me, Stan ! Don't you dare pass out ! »
Another man came close and started talking very fast.
« I'm sorry, I don't understand, but I'm sure he can. Talk to him, keep him alert. »
Harm, sensing the situation was under control, went to check on the other victims.

The ambulances arrived just a few minutes later, as well as a police car. The EMT loaded the victims in the vans, thanking Harm and Nell for their quick actions. The police officers took their statements, their numbers and let them go. They looked at each other and finally noticed the blood they were covered in.

Back at the hotel, they each went to their own room. It took Harm a few minutes to shower and change. He also took a moment to write down his recollection of what had happened, in case he had missed something the first time he told the police. He then tried to call Nell's room, but got no answer. Starting to worry, he left his room and knocked on her door.
« Nell ? » He turned the knob and entered. The sound of the water was covering his footsteps so he repeated louder. « NELL ? »
He went to the bathroom. Nell was sitting under the spray, knees up and arms wound tight around them, shaking uncontrollably. He turned the water off and threw a towel over her shoulders. Her eyes were open wide and staring out. Harm sat down near the stall and pulled Nell into his arms, making shushing sounds to calm her down. He rubbed the fabric over her arms and legs. After a minute, she started coming back, looking like she hadn't seen him come in. She peered into his eyes, locked her arms around his neck and attacked his mouth with hers.

*****

He felt himself grow hard instantly. He put his hands on her back and dived into the kiss. She was so hungry with him he felt her teeth. There was frenzy in the way she pulled at his shirt and sent buttons flying.
He laid her down on the tile floor and licked his way to her breast. She cried when he seized her nipple between his lips. He feasted on her soft flesh and she squirmed beneath him. She fisted her hand in his hair and pulled him back to her mouth.
She was so wrapped around him he had trouble opening his fly and pulling down his pants. He heard her plea and filled her with one long move. She buckled under the assault and bit his lip.
He started to move hard and fast and she moaned with pleasure. This time, it wasn't so much about shared desire than the desire to feel alive. She peaked with a sob, and the feeling had Harm climax with her. He rolled away, gasping for air.

*****

Nell finally got up, went back in the shower and rinsed herself. Harm stood up and looked at his clothes. His shirt was torn and his pants stained with water. They faced each other with unease.
« Nell... »
« Harm... don't worry, it doesn't mean anything. We just... wanted to take comfort into each other, nothing more. »
Harm stayed silent while Nell went to the bedroom to get dressed.

They met again in the lobby. Nell was facing the entrance door with an air of fear. Harm walked up to her, took her hand.
« I'll walk out with you. »
« That was the first time... French people don't make a habit of shooting at one another. And they never let women see combat in the Air Force. »
« I'm here for you, Dragon. »
She lifted her eyes to him, took a deep breath and they walked out.

Everything was the same, and this took Nell by surprise. She had been so shocked by the shooting she thought everything would be different. People were walking by, going about their businesses, the sun was shining and the wind was blowing softly in the trees.
« Where do you want to go ? »
« I have to get back there. At the café. »
« You're sure ? »
« Yes. It's what I've been training for all my career. »
« You're not a grunt, Nell, you're a pilot. You haven't been trained for that. »
« Still. »
« All right. »

Keeping her hand in his, he led her around the corner of the block. There, however, everything was still in chaos. Police cars were blocking the street, techs and officers were working amongst the debris, and blood was still staining the pavement. Nell had to take another deep breath.

A man wearing a badge on his civilian clothes met them at the yellow tape that was blocking the sidewalk.
« I know who you are. You were in the café when they shot. »
« Yes. »
Harm handed the detective the report he wrote.
« This is my statement. We'll send you Colonel Marchand's as soon as she writes hers. »
« Thank you. It was quick. »
« Memories are better when they're fresh. »
« That is true. I'm sorry you had to experience this. »
« Do you have a lead so far ? »
The detective looked at them suspiciously.
« Why do you want to know ? »
« Do you think we could have been the targets ? »
Nell paled. « Could it be true ? »
The man stayed quiet and then lowered his voice. « I don't believe so, because you were not in uniform. The man who was killed, the police know him. Albanian mafia. It's more probable he was the target. But politics... »
« Yeah, I get it. Thanks, Detective. »
He went back to the crime scene while Nell and Harm remained still.

« What now ? »
« I'm not really in the mood for a museum visit, Harm. »
« We could tour the city, what do you think ? It's beautiful I hear. »
« Yes, let's walk. »

The city was indeed beautiful. Little streets of cobbled stone, castles with turrets, and an amazing view from the ramparts. When they stopped for dinner, Harm chose an italian restaurant and they went all the way inside. They both felt safer with a wall behing their backs.
« How are you right now? »
« Better. I may have to talk with a shrink when I'm back on base, but the first shock is gone. What about you ? I know it's not the first time you've been shot. »
« I'm okay. It's been a while, though. And I never enjoy it. »

Later in the night, Nell had a nightmare. She tought about fighting it on her own, even getting drunk to be able not to see it all over again, but in the end she called Harm. He came right away and they spent the night in each other's arms, until dawn broke.

They had thought they would spend a lovely weekend together, but it had turned out badly. The only good thing was they hadn't been wounded.

Gold Wings and Sparrowhawk - Chapter 11 (K rated)


Chapter 11

September 1999
Dubrovnic, Croatia

Harm dropped off his pack in his hotel room, changed into civvies and went out to walk to his rendez-vous.
Nell did pretty much the same a few minutes later. When she arrived, Harm was sitting on the terrace of the café, reading a newspaper. She had a few seconds to watch him before he looked up and saw her. They both smiled. Harm got up and they shared a long hug.
« Nine years already ! »
« Time flies by ! »
Sitting down, they started talking while the waiter brought the menu. During the last nine years, they had only written letters and emails to each other, so they had a lot more to share, stories, anecdotes.
They had started eating when Harm looked intrigued by something that was happening behind Nell. She turned her head and like a movie in slow motion, saw the big black sedan, its window being opened and the muzzle appear in the opening. She heard Harm yell and dropped on the pavement under the table. Bullets began flying over her head, and she felt Harm close his arms around her. She had a fleeting thought that he would always be her knight in Dress Whites, even if he didn't have it on today.
The shooting lasted only a few seconds, but it felt like an eternity. Harm had been shot at before, and he knew what to do next.
He lifted his head above the table, saw the car drive away quickly. He turned around and looked at the bodies around him. Nell got out of hiding as well, opened her cell phone. A man was coming up to her, so she gave it to him.
« Call an ambulance and stay on the line. »
The man obviously understood what she was saying, and that was a relief.
Harm checked the pulse of a man sprawled a few feet away, and shook his head when Nell looked at him. He went to help a woman crying on her chair while Nell approached another man lying on the pavement. He had been shot through the abdomen and was losing a lot of blood. She took off her jacket and bent over him.
« Hi, my name is Nell. What is yours ? »
The man was still conscious. « Stan... »
« Hello Stan. Stay calm, I'm going to help you, okay ? »
She didn't know if he could understand her, but sometimes the right tone is enough to break the language barrier. She smiled and pressed her folded jacket on the wound. Stan had a hiccup.
« I know it hurts, but I have to slow the bleeding. » She turned to Harm, saw that he had put a makeshift bandage around the woman's arm.
« Harm ! I need your jacket ! »
He took it from his fallen chair.
« Help me. I'm going to pull him towards me, you put your vest under his back and I'm going to lie him down again on it. It should compress his wound from the back, so you fold it tight. One, two, three. »
Together they moved Stan who howled in pain.
« I'm sorry Stan. This is Harm, he's helping as well. »
She put her own jacket back on the injury on the belly.
« Harm, push down, please. »
Nell brought Stan's limbs forward and folded them over his chest, compressing the wound. She put her arm over his legs to keep them in place.
« You stay with me, Stan ! Don't you dare pass out ! »
Another man came close and started talking very fast.
« I'm sorry, I don't understand, but I'm sure he can. Talk to him, keep him alert. »
Harm, sensing the situation was under control, went to check on the other victims.

The ambulances arrived just a few minutes later, as well as a police car. The EMT loaded the victims in the vans, thanking Harm and Nell for their quick actions. The police officers took their statements, their numbers and let them go. They looked at each other and finally noticed the blood they were covered in.

Back at the hotel, they each went to their own room. It took Harm a few minutes to shower and change. He also took a moment to write down his recollection of what had happened, in case he had missed something the first time he told the police. He then tried to call Nell's room, but got no answer. Starting to worry, he left his room and knocked on her door.
« Nell ? » He turned the knob and entered. The sound of the water was covering his footsteps so he repeated louder. « NELL ? »
He went to the bathroom. Nell was sitting under the spray, knees up and arms wound tight around them, shaking uncontrollably. He turned the water off and threw a towel over her shoulders. Her eyes were open wide and staring out. Harm sat down near the stall and pulled Nell into his arms, making shushing sounds to calm her down. He rubbed the fabric over her arms and legs. After a minute, she started coming back, looking like she hadn't seen him come in. She peered into his eyes, locked her arms around his neck and attacked his mouth with hers.


***


Nell finally got up, went back in the shower and rinsed herself. Harm stood up and looked at his clothes. His shirt was torn and his pants stained with water. They faced each other with unease.
« Nell... »
« Harm... don't worry, it doesn't mean anything. We just... wanted to take comfort into each other, nothing more. »
Harm stayed silent while Nell went to the bedroom to get dressed.

They met again in the lobby. Nell was facing the entrance door with an air of fear. Harm walked up to her, took her hand.
« I'll walk out with you. »
« That was the first time... French people don't make a habit of shooting at one another. And they never let women see combat in the Air Force. »
« I'm here for you, Dragon. »
She lifted her eyes to him, took a deep breath and they walked out.

Everything was the same, and this took Nell by surprise. She had been so shocked by the shooting she thought everything would be different. People were walking by, going about their businesses, the sun was shining and the wind was blowing softly in the trees.
« Where do you want to go ? »
« I have to get back there. At the café. »
« You're sure ? »
« Yes. It's what I've been training for all my career. »
« You're not a grunt, Nell, you're a pilot. You haven't been trained for that. »
« Still. »
« All right. »

Keeping her hand in his, he led her around the corner of the block. There, however, everything was still in chaos. Police cars were blocking the street, techs and officers were working amongst the debris, and blood was still staining the pavement. Nell had to take another deep breath.

A man wearing a badge on his civilian clothes met them at the yellow tape that was blocking the sidewalk.
« I know who you are. You were in the café when they shot. »
« Yes. »
Harm handed the detective the report he wrote.
« This is my statement. We'll send you Colonel Marchand's as soon as she writes hers. »
« Thank you. It was quick. »
« Memories are better when they're fresh. »
« That is true. I'm sorry you had to experience this. »
« Do you have a lead so far ? »
The detective looked at them suspiciously.
« Why do you want to know ? »
« Do you think we could have been the targets ? »
Nell paled. « Could it be true ? »
The man stayed quiet and then lowered his voice. « I don't believe so, because you were not in uniform. The man who was killed, the police know him. Albanian mafia. It's more probable he was the target. But politics... »
« Yeah, I get it. Thanks, Detective. »
He went back to the crime scene while Nell and Harm remained still.

« What now ? »
« I'm not really in the mood for a museum visit, Harm. »
« We could tour the city, what do you think ? It's beautiful I hear. »
« Yes, let's walk. »

The city was indeed beautiful. Little streets of cobbled stone, castles with turrets, and an amazing view from the ramparts. When they stopped for dinner, Harm chose an italian restaurant and they went all the way inside. They both felt safer with a wall behing their backs.
« How are you right now? »
« Better. I may have to talk with a shrink when I'm back on base, but the first shock is gone. What about you ? I know it's not the first time you've been shot. »
« I'm okay. It's been a while, though. And I never enjoy it. »

Later in the night, Nell had a nightmare. She tought about fighting it on her own, even getting drunk to be able not to see it all over again, but in the end she called Harm. He came right away and they spent the night in each other's arms, until dawn broke.

They had thought they would spend a lovely weekend together, but it had turned out badly. The only good thing was they hadn't been wounded.

mercredi 8 janvier 2020

Gold Wings and Sparrowhawk - Chapter 7


Chapter 7

[Harm and Nell kept in touch through the years, him through Law School, Navy Justice School and finally JAG, Nell through all the engagements France participated in, Djibouti, Bosnia.
We find them again in July 1995, at the opening of the series.]

July 1995

Dear Nell,
I had the most intense experience in a long time, and I have to tell you, because I know you'll understand.
I was investigating the disappearance of a RIO on the Seahawk, my carrier from back when. Going there was hard, so much memories, good mostly, the smells, the sounds, the atmosphere of impatience and hurry, and some very bad, of the night I crashed. It was both heart-wrenching and exhilarating.
The CAG (Commander Air Group) was my dad's wingman the day he went down. He's a hell of a pilot, but very tough. He has to be to keep his crew alive and flying. Kept pushing at me. I think from a talk we had he felt guilty leaving my dad behind when he was shot down. I told him it wasn't his fault, but you always feel responsible when you fail to save a teammate. I also think he resented me for not being my dad, like it should have been him, standing there, not me.
Wedge's brother was here too, he's a pilot now, nicknamed Mace. I wasn't surprised by his less-than-warm welcome. But that hurt nontheless.
Long story short, the CAG took me up in a Tomcat modified for recon and training, meaning there were a full set of controls in the back, instead of all the navigation equipment. I wasn't supposed to touch anything, of course. We went for a recon flyby, before an Alpha Strike, you probably heard about it since you're flying there too. One the way back, the Serbs were waiting for us. They hit us and the CAG got wounded. I had to take control of the plane... I hadn't held a joystick for five years and this baby was handling like a jackhammer.
Dragon, I think that was the scariest moment in my life. Training and old habits kicked in, and with the help of the CAG's wingman Lobo I was able to trap and catch the wire but I think I stopped breathing for a full five minutes. The longest five minutes of my life.
Oh, and did I mentioned night had fallen ? I couldn't see the deck, I had to rely on what they were telling me. I hope I never have to do that again ! And I never thought I'd say that some day...
When we left the carrier, Mace and the others were waiting for me near the COD. He put wings back on my uniform, Nell. I've never been so touched. I don't know if he forgave me for the death of his brother, but it was like a thank you for bringing the CAG back on board.
When I got back to Washington, I went to the Admiral and got permission to keep up with my quals and get my flying status back. You can imagine what it felt like. In a few weeks, I'll be flying again. Not on a daily basis, but enough to see the sun in the middle of winter.
I know you get it, Nell.
Fly high... always !
Harm

Dear Harm,
If you were right here, I'd give you the biggest hug. Because I do get it. I haven't stopped flying, but I can imagine what it would be to not fly. I'm so happy for you !
Fly high... again !
Nell


September 1995

Dear Nell,
I don't like submarines. I had to spend a few days inside one and I kept banging my head on the bulkheads. My six feet three are not made for such small spaces. And I had a new partner, Meg, who is claustrophobic.
I can't tell you more about our assignment, confidentiality clause, but that was not fun. I started breathing again only when we surfaced and I was allowed to get outside.
I don't know how bubbleheads do it ! I guess it takes all kinds !
Just fly !
Harm


October 1995

Dear Nell,
When I decided to become a JAG lawyer, I never expected I'd see more action than when I was a fighter pilot. And I certainly did not expect to be shot at, drugged or almost murdered.
I got mixed up in the Thai's ambassador personnal business because his wife... she reminded me of a girl I knew when I went to Vietnam to look for my dad. Gym got killed because she befriended me and I couldn't help but see her in Angelique. And in return she tried to kill me. I got lost in my memories and almost died.
The past has an uncanny way to come back when you least expect it.
I hope everything is all right with you. Where are you now ?
Take care of the Dragon !
Harm

Dear Harm,
Like the past few years, I'm in Bosnia again. Operation Deny Flight is still in motion, and we take part in it, as US pilots do. I flew a mission with Lts Entwhistle and Painter the other day. Do you know them ? Any advice ?
I miss you in the air !
So long, Sailor !
Nell


November 1995

Dear Nell,
I lost a friend, two days ago. A fellow pilot. Luke was my roommate at the Academy and in Flight School and we had stayed good friends. I even was his best man at his wedding. Everyone said it was his fault he crashed, but when you fly with someone, you get to know them. And I was right. He didn't screw the pooch. I got to clear his name. But I miss him, Nell. I miss my friend.
He leaves behind a widow and a six-years old son, Josh. And I remembered the day my father went missing. I was about Josh's age, I recall the two officers showing at the door, my mother's cry.
Why does everything lately come back to my dad ? I know one day I will find out what happened to him. Until then, I have my memories.
And I know Painter, we met on the Seahawk when I was there in July. He's a good guy !
Take care of my Dragon !
Harm


December 1995

Dear Nell,
It seems I'm sent only where there's action and flying bullets.
Last month we went to Peru to investigate a Marine who had killed a young boy. Turned out the Shining Path had organized the assassination of the Ambassador. It was a war zone and we lost good men.
Then, we went to Seattle to question a sailor who had stolen a missile. It lead to a brig break, Meg taken hostage, and the whole area almost being blown up by a bomb set up by a traitor wanting to sell stolen weapons to Irakis. With Navy Intelligence in the mix.
And last week in Irak, we were supposed to defend a Marine tried for espionage. In a mock trial, of course. I had some extraction combat training for plan B, which was to get the Marine out of of jail and bring him home.
To be frank, I don't really mind action. Reminds me of my carrier days. You know how it is. I just mind the « my life is in danger » part !
Merry Christmas and a very happy new year in advance
Fly high !
Harm


January 1996

Dear Harm,
A happy New Year to you too ! I'm back in France, at last ! Well, I can't say I miss Bosnia. But I miss the excitement of flying a mission, not just training. I have another six months in France before I'm deployed again, so I'll keep training until I'm back in OPEX (foreign deployment).
You lead a full life, I can give you that ! I thought Navy lawyers spent their time in courtrooms and offices, that doesn't seem to be the case with you ! I was in a war zone, and it was more peaceful than where you go !
Watch your six, sailor !
Nell

Dear Nell,
I wrote I didn't mind action, well, somebody heard me too well ! Everytime I step out of JAG HQ, I'm targeted ! We went looking for a little girl who had disappeared in an abandoned Navy base, and we stumbled upon a drug operation ! Seriously ?
I'll have my quals in a few days, can't wait to fly again !
Fly high !
Harm


February 1996

Dear Harm,
I've been deployed early in Djibouti again. The peace agreement signed two years ago wasn't enough for some of the rebels, so we're here to enforce it. I was able to take a week off last month, but I wasn't supposed to go further than five hundred kilometers from my base, so I had the choice between Ethiopia, Somalia, Yemen or Saudi Arabia... some choice ! Ethiopia has been relativly stable for a while now, so I did a treck in the Awash National Park. If you ever get a chance to go there, you should check it out, it's an amazing place !
Take care of my sailor !
Nell


March 1996

Dear Nell,
I'm sorry to tell you that Lt Entwhistle was shot down by the Serbs last week. He and Painter were able to eject, but he didn't make it. I was able to recover Painter who was unharmed. I know you flew with them, so I wanted to tell you.
Be careful up there, and watch your six.
Harm

Dear Harm,
Oh, I'm so sorry for his death. We got to fly a few times together, and I enjoyed it. Give my regards and condolences to his squadron if you get the chance.
But seriously ? Going to Bosnia to recover Painter, isn't that a SEAL's job ? Harm ! I know you like seeing action (and to be frank, recon and patrol can be quite boring so i know what you mean...) but it's not just « seeing action » ! It's jumping into action feet first !
Please take good care of my sailor !
Nell


April 1996

Dear Nell,
A lot has changed this past month. First I got promoted to Lieutenant Commander. It was earlier than expected, so I was a bit surprised.
Then Admiral Brovo is being replaced by Admiral Chegwidden, a former SEAL. That should prove interesting... His aid is a full Commander who keeps hitting on me. Engaging in a personnal relationship with her would only bring me trouble, so I'm trying to steer clear of her. Working together is going to be like playing chess : trying to figure out what your opponent is doing three moves in advance...
I got to fly to Cuba, and made a Learjet roll and loop... the Air Force at the helm couldn't believe it ! (the Cuban Mig pilots couldn't either...) I also did a HALO (High Altitude Low Opening) jump to find out why an Army General had a Naval Aviator killed, the Admiral figured if I can punch out, I can jump. Fun times...
And I had my annual flight check, meaning I can keep up with my quals and keep my flying status up and running. I love it !
Fly high ! (and roll, and loop!)
Harm


May 1996

Dear Harm,
Is it weird to tell you I'm dating ? I met Dominic a while back, on my first tour in Djibouti. He's a local teacher. I've participated in a program to help girls at his school learn how to defend themselves, and we became close this time around. He makes me laugh and wonder...
I don't know what the future holds, but I don't mind heading there.
I'm glad you can keep flying, even Learjets !
Fly high !
Nell

Dear Nell,
I haven't written in a long time because it took me a while to process what happened to me. I was supposed to go sailing with a friend in the Sea of China when I was captured and taken prisoner. You know the training we undergo to resist interrogations, you've been through it. But there's no way to be prepared to really experience prison and torture. They shot me up with drugs, asked me questions I didn't have the answer to, made me believe things...
Nell, I think my father was there too. I told you he went MIA in 1969, during the Vietnam war. They have trade agreements with China, and an American prisoner is very valuable. I never saw him, but I heard his voice. He told me things only he knew. And there was an engraving in a cell just below mine that only he could have done.
A Chinese defector told me I had been the only prisoner in this ward for quite some time, so I don't know what to believe anymore. I was so full of drugs it took me a whole week to be fit for duty.
Whatever the truth is, talking to him when I was in that ugly cell is what kept me sane. I have to find out what happened to him, Nell. I don't care how long it's going to take, but I will find out.
And if I can tell you anything, so can you. I'm happy you met someone.
Take care of my Dragon !
Harm

Dear Harm,
I can't begin to imagine what you've been through. Yes we prepare for enemy interrogation and torture, but I can't believe you know what it's like, until you KNOW what it's like. My heart weeps for you.
But why the hell would China want another American prisoner ? You're a lawyer, you're not Intelligence ! I hope your government did everything it could to get you back ! You don't leave a fellow officer behind !
As for your father... I have never lost someone the way you lost your dad, so I can't see it the way you do. But be careful what you wish for. You might find something you don't want to, God forbid.
I love that we can tell each other everything. It helps so much when times are difficult, and sharing the joy is contagious !
A big hug from me to you !
Take care of my sailor !
Nell