Gold Wings and Sparrowhawk - Chapter 17

Chapter 17

December 22^nd 1999

Harm's apartment

Harm felt like he had been hit by a hammer. He looked at the ring, glistening under the light. When he had taken the decision to propose to Nell, he had thought it would be good for the baby, yes, but he also thought he wouldn't mind being married to her. She knew him by heart, and understood him better than anyone. They had known each other for almost ten years, and spent some good times together.

But Mac did understand him too. She had been here almost every day for the past three years, she had done things no one else had. She had followed him to Russia when he searched for his father. And he'd been here for her too, like when she had started drinking again.

At first, her ressemblance to Diane had been difficult to live with, he was expecting her at every turn and getting only hurt by their differences. But after a while, he started to like Mac for herself, not because she reminded him of Diane.

He felt so lost...

Nell has talked about possibilities. He never had a chance to explore the possibilities with Diane, he had never taken the chance to explore them with Mac. And he had taken a chance with Nell, but she had turned him down. Well not exactly, she had said he had a choice to make. And that scared him more than anything.

*****

December 24^th 1999, Christmas Eve

Vietnam Memorial Wall

Like almost every year, Harm was standing in front of his father's name inscribed in gold on black marble. He was wearing his uniform, to honor him.

But this night, Harm wasn't thinking about his dad. He was thinking about Nell and their baby, and Mac. Two days after their last conversation, he was still lost. He wanted to talk to his dad, but what he wanted more was having his dad answer.

He lit a candle, stayed a minute or two, and left. He went back to his apartment, changed, packed a small bag and headed to the airport. He didn't have a dad, but he had a step-dad. And even if they hadn't been close when he was younger, they had a good relationship now.

*****

December 24^th 1999

LaJolla, California

Harm arrived at his parents' house late in the evening, but they were still up. He was happy to see his mom, but he couldn't wait to talk to Frank.

He was up early the next morning, more out of habit than because there were gifts to open. He made some coffee and drank it while mulling over the whole situation.

Like he expected, Frank entered the kitchen alone. They shook hands.

« Merry Christmas, Harm ! »

« Merry Christmas to you too, Frank. Coffee ? »

« Thanks. You're up early. »

« Yeah... I couldn't sleep. Frank... »

« Yes ? »

« Can I ask for your advice ? »

« I'm touched you want it. I'm all ears. »

« You remember my friend Nell ? »

« The French pilot ? Didn't you visit some city in Bosnia, or something last summer ? »

« Dubrovnik in Croatia, yes. What I never told you or mom is that... we've always been more than friends. »

« That happens. »

« She's pregnant. »

« Oh... Is it yours ? »

« Yeah. Nell wouldn't lie about that. Anyway, I asked her to marry me. At first, she said yes. But then she met Mac, and she gave me the ring back. »

« Why would she do that ? »

« She said I had to choose between Mac and her. But there's nothing between me and Mac. »

« Are you sure ? »

« I... »

« When you picture Mac in your mind, what is your first thought ? »

Harm took a second to think.

« … challenge. She always keeps me on my toes, pushes at me. And when we're on opposites sides in the courtroom, she doesn't give an inch. I have to bring my A-game everytime. »

« And when you think of Nell ? »

Again, Harm stayed silent for a minute.

« … peace. She's the most self-assured person I know. She has absolute trust in who she is, and she doesn't need to prove anything to anyone. And that makes being with her very peaceful. There's a... simplicity about her. Balance. »

« And if you picture yourself in ten years, what do you see ? Challenge or peace ? That's the real question. More than physical attraction, the important thing in a relationship is knowing the other person and knowing what this person will bring you. And Nell being pregnant doesn’t matter. »

Harm sipped his coffee in silence. He let Frank's word sink in. What did he want in life ? He was about to speak again when he heard his mom coming in the kitchen.

« Please don’t tell her anything. She'd worry like crazy. »

« I’ll keep everything to myself. »

« Thanks. I appreciate it. »

« Hello Harm ! Merry Christmas ! »

« Hello, mom. Merry Christmas to you too. »

He gave her a small package.

« Oh, thank you Harm ! Oh, it’s lovely ! »

Patricia fastened the bracelet he had given her around her wrist and hugged him.

« If you don’t mind, I’m going to go for a run, I need to clear my head. »

He went back to his room to change. Trish turned to Frank.

« What’s going on with him ? »

« Girl trouble. I expect he will tell you soon. »

*****

Harm chose the beach to run. He needed the mindless rhythm of the run, and he was pretty sure he wouldn’t meet a lot of people on the beach this early. He started with an easy pace, enjoying the fresh air and the sea breeze. After a few minutes, Harm began to feel his muscles loosen and he picked up the pace. He was starting to really enjoy his run when it hit him : he had been half in love with both Mac and Nell for quite some time.

Mac was his partner in court and in life, she was his match in a lot of ways. They had been together to hell and back, and the kiss they had shared was still burning in his mind. She had become an essential part of his life, and he had no idea if he could do without her.

And Nell had charmed him from the start, in bed and in the air. She had been his confident for years, they had trusted each other completely. With her, he felt no pressure, no expectations, he could just be himself and it was like putting down a burden. And he enjoyed a lot making love to her.

Both women were so important to him. How could he choose ? He decided to follow Frank’s advice and picture his life in ten years. He kept running on the beach, putting one foot in front of the other paying no more attention to his surroundings.

With Nell first. So they were parents, a boy, and maybe a second child, a girl this time. He would have been promoted to Captain, would he still be at JAG ? Probably. Still in Washington ? He may be given a job elsewhere, running a JAG office in some other part of the world. She would have followed him, that meant getting another job, again. Would she agree to that ? And what could she do ? Working in a control tower, like she did now ? Or getting a commercial licence ? That would be like spending all your life driving a race car and switching to a school bus.

And would they still be together ? That he could picture. A Christmas morning, a log in the fireplace and a tree, two kids opening presents, and both him and Nell sitting on the sofa, his arm around her shoulders. He could picture her smile, her weight against him. She was a cuddler, and he figured that wouldn’t change.

It would be peaceful. A quiet life. Was that what he wanted ? Would courtroom action be enough for him ?

And what kind of life would he have with Mac ? Once they started dating, they couldn't work together anymore, so one of them would have to switch careers. But which one ? They both loved their jobs. With his eyes fixed, he could shift to sea duty, maybe captain a ship. Mac could stay at JAG. But would she care for the life of a Navy wife, with him being at sea six months out of a year ? Or would he go into the private sector ? Would he like it ?

And if he stayed at JAG, what could she do ? What job could the Corps offer a lawyer outside of JAG ? Or would she go back to the private sector, like she had before ? Could she change her designator and go to a combat unit ? And what about kids ? They had this informal deal about making a baby, but the timing had to be right for her career. He was sure of one thing, Mac wouldn’t care for a quiet life. She liked action, challenge. Like he had told Frank, she would always push at him, confront him. Talking with her was always stimulating. But if they didn’t work together anymore, there wouldn’t be as much challenge and action.

The idea of finally making love to her was enticing, though. He’d wanted to see what was underneath her stiff Marine uniform for quite some time.

He tried to picture their life in ten years. But without a clear idea of their professional paths, it was harder to imagine. However he could see a dinner together, talking about their jobs, the current cases, asking for each other's advice, talking on the phone while he was on his ship.

After running for almost an hour, he was nowhere closer to figuring out his future. He stopped for a minute, out of breath, drank at a fountain and started his run back. This time, he tried to picture his life without them. Again, Nell first.

If he married Mac, Nell had assured him he would be part of their baby’s life. He assumed the first years she would have exclusive custody, that was normal. He could visit often. But what if he was assigned elsewhere ? Or if she moved back to France ? They would keep in touch, but at what cost ? And what would be Mac's attitude towards that child ? Would she keep wondering about Nell and him ? Would she ever doubt him ?

And if he married Nell, what place would Mac have in his life ? If they both stayed at JAG, not much would change. He expected they would feel weird about each other for a while, then they would find a new rhythm, a new way to be around each other. There would still be occasional court disputes, and investigations around the world. Would the Admiral still send them together ? Brumby was crazy about her, would he convince her to give him a chance ? And what if they moved to Australia ? She would be on the other side of the world, would they keep in touch ?

Harm tripped and fell in the sand, winded. He started to get up, and decided to remain seated for a moment. He hadn’t taken any time to watch the sea, and it was something he had always enjoyed. First, when his dad had been deployed at sea, then when Frank had taken them to the Bahamas after he had married his mom, and again when he was on carrier duty.

He watched the waves and thought that Nell had been right. He had to close a door and walk through the other. A coward would have deserted them both, but he wasn’t one. He knew he was going to deeply hurt one of the woman he cared most about in the world, and he couldn’t avoid it. The idea made him sad and weary. And how to tell her ? And with that thought, he knew his heart had settled down. He knew where his future lied. He came back to his mother’s house at a lighter pace, and wrote a letter.

*****